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As I sit and prepare to send two bean tacos down their fateful journey from grinding choppers to the depository that is my colon, I can’t help but think about McCain and Palin.
Maybe it’s the low blood sugar from hunger or perhaps it’s like having a horrible song in your head that you can’t get out such as the chicken dance, which sends shivers up your spine at the remembrance of being 14 at Aunt Filomena’s wedding and being lifted up by your cousins, thrown out onto the dance floor while a bunch of inebriated overjoyed women say things like ”you have to flap your arms” all the while knowing the only thing worse would be to get a spontaneous erection. But, this is not about traumatized events from childhood or salivating with anticipation of bean tacos, it’s about McCain and Palin and how the possibility of their election is frightful.Regardless of what some call her sexy librarian look and her resemblance at least in profile to Margaret Hamilton in her 1939 performance as the wicked witch of the west
, she makes me feel like I have a cold starting. It’s the kind of cold that you know is going to end up with you sitting on the toilet while holding a waste basket in one hand and flipping a coin with the other to see which end is next. Although, to be fair Palin, as the wicked witch of the west, would have to be painted green and that would just confuse fossil fuel voters and environmentalists alike. In contrast McCain looks like he’s 5 minutes away from becoming a skeleton in a 9th grade biology class with a nametag that says “Maverick” pinned to his clavicle.McCain’s advanced age makes Palin inexperience colossal. A president McCain sniffle will cause a major shift in Wall Street. Palin is only qualified as a mudslinger, a job she is continuously overachieving at, which any glancing of the news will show. She has slightly more experience as a leader than me. If I could have only gotten those precious two votes in high school, I would have been president of the schools coed dance team. Damn you, Gina Palahniuk and your perfectly executed “Running Man” and that dastardly diabolical “Churnin’ Butter” routine. Come to think of it Gina, you should run for vice president, you were also president of the foreign exchange program. The class of 1993 remembers your tactful diplomacy handling that argument about pancakes between Bernardita (pro-plate size) from Spain and Eva (pro-silver dollar) from Germany. That is as much foreign policy experience as being governor of a state that borders the ass end of Russia and the evil Canadian Empire. As foreign policy goes, Palin even makes Dan Quayle look like he spelled potato correctly.
The McCain campaign continuously tells us that the choice of Palin is another maverick decision. It goes on to say (both McCain and Palin have acknowledged the statement) that Palin is also a maverick and both are Washington outsiders.
First of all by Merriam-Webster definition a maverick is either:
1: an unbranded range animal; especially: a motherless calf
2: an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party
I’m thinking that neither of them are the 1st definition as if McCain was an unbranded range animal Palin would have to be restrained from shooting him being the hunter that she is. So I’ll put that one aside. Now if we use the only other definition, definition number two, then their entire tag line of maverick is a shit ton, of well, shit. Two mavericks tied together by a political campaign make for a duo or group (can you believe ''Makes Me Wonder,'' by Maroon 5 won the Grammy in that category this past year? Honestly, they suck).
Anyway two mavericks are not very independent or individual, the maverick thing for McCain to have done is to have declined to have a vice-president and perhaps write off the position as so unnecessary and irreverent that a cryogenically frozen Walt Disney could perform its duties. Oh wait, he kind of did do that by picking Palin as his vice-president. The only maverick thing McCain has done that quickly pops into mind is singing “Bomb Iran’ to the tune of the Beach Boys’ “Barbara Ann.” That was very maverick, stupid, but nonetheless maverick (How do you think Iran feels about a possible McCain presidency?)
Washington outsiders? Really? Johnny, 26 years in congress doesn’t make you an outsider and getting caught up in the Keating Five scandal where you were accused of corruption doesn’t make you any different than most of the people you describe as Washington insiders. Truthfully McCain and Palin are not the only Washington outsiders. There are a few million of us. That’s right most of this country are Washington outsiders. I’m such an outsider I don’t even drive through the city. I use Rt. 495 and go around that ironic city filled with the predominately white elite governing class and the working poor people of color. Hmm… big white house surrounded by people of color reminds me of something, I just can’t put my finger on it right now.
Unlike Palin, I don’t completely despise McCain. He’s had his hands on some decent legislation though he’s also helped to piss away others. Is he a harmless dreamer or Skeletor in disguise?
I don’t know. I just close my eyes when I hear his name and seem to always imagine him as a grandfather who tells tall tales and cheats at cards thinking you don’t notice , but you do. Yet, he’s old ,so you shrug it off as just due to advanced age and wait for crazy old Pop Pop to fall asleep head first into his Wheaties so you can go raid the candy jar and possibly squeeze a pack of Marlboro from the carton in the drawer above the cabinet with the cleaning agents.
Palin, on the other hand continues to upset me. Her choice as vice president scares me to the point of barely refraining from uncontrollably launching the two tacos now nestling in my colon onto my underwear to rest in an only Jackson Pollock would be proud design. Her guffaws, her down home knee slappers, and those Joe Sixpack references are seriously irritating my colon in a way that rivals my 6th grade school year.
That gets me wondering: Who the fuck is Joe Sixpack? Every politician keeps talking about him. Joe Sixpack seems to be nothing more than a filament made of tungsten surrounded by argon or some other inert gas and encased in glass. McCain and Palin believe their electricity (made from fossil fuels of course) will turn darkness into light and that light will glow them to the White House.
It is without saying that this election has Joe Sixpack finding out he’s quite the desirable guy. However, with popularity comes enemies and Joe Sixpack is not alone out there. Joe Sixpack’s sworn enemy? You probably guessed it. It’s Joe Blow, but honestly who the fuck cares about Joe Blow? After all, it’s just Joe Blow an anybody nobody in comparison with Joe Sixpack an anybody everybody.
Blow is no Joe Sixpack who is an all-american steel towed work book wearing, Ford Super Duty driving (what’s the big deal with built Ford tough? Not tough enough to compete with foreign car companies or a sagging profit. Maybe the problem with being built Ford tough is that it’s built by Ford.), a beer in one hand, tossing a football to Sixpack Jr. and making sure that Sally Sixpack is properly playing with her Barbie, everyman. Yet, if McCain and Palin win, Wednesday November 5, 2008 will find Joe Sixpack waking up to the realization that it was all a dream (think Victoria Principle’s Pamela Ewing in the 85 -86 Dallas season finale). Joe Sixpack will stand up out of bed, scratch the appropriate places and look into the mirror and whom will he see? With bug eyed bewilderment and gaping mouth Joe Blow will be staring back at him. Joe will try and piece together the night before just like a future bride waking up the day after her cringe worthy bachelorette party where she checked items off a list that included getting a strange mans underwear and is now still dressed in last nights clothes, a little bit of dried puke on her chin, and wearing a “penis-thru-the-head” novelty head gear (oh the metaphor!).
To end the story of “The Journey of Joe Sixpack Anybody Everyman” is simple. It ends in lies and a dejected populace who despite McCain’s rhetoric still distrusts it’s elected government. The 1980’s band Naked Eyes said it best in their song “Promises Promises:”
“You made me promises promises
Knowing I'd believe
Promises promises
You knew you'd never keep.”
If McCain and Palin lose Joe Sixpack’s vote they will inevitably blame the press. McCain and Palin have been relentlessly attacking the press and have called the way it is practicing journalism, “aggressive ‘gotcha’ journalism.” Isn’t that what the press ought to be? Especially in an election year where the candidates on all sides say so many things to so many people. The pabulum being puked out of all these politicians’ mouths has to be checked for substance. It is the job of a free press to inform the populace what is fact and what is untrue.
Palin’s hockey mom status has to be over the heads of most southern republicans. Hockey to them is hokey misspelled, which is one of the words they sing in the phrase proceeding, “ Put your right leg in and shake it all about.” But some of those red staters from all ove
r the country (btw 50 or so years ago wouldn’t red state mean they were communists- I’m just saying) with their god, their sanctity of marriage, their anti-abortion, their guns, their desire to infiltrate the North with Nascar, and their self-resplendent shadowy oligarchy of racism, classism, heterosexism, etc… adore Palin. Do they really believe that god spoke to her? Come on, god wants a $30 billion natural pipeline, Iraq war, and is using Sarah Palin to influence what is affectionately called god’s will by the loving faithful? Maybe god wants CBS to cancel “Two and a Half Men” and give Tom Cruise a mental illness (now is it real or not Tommy?). Hey I’ll even pray for that. Probably, though, god wants Palin to take responsibility for her own actions.Republicans believe some bizarre things. I don’t necessarily believe they are, well I was going to say bad people, but lets just go with horrible instead. I find that the fundamental problem with Republicans is that they say they are against “big government,” but they always want to legislate morality or what they believe is morality. If you don’t like what I do especially in my bedroom (with or without the lights on) and you find abortion appalling amongst other issues, I have no problem with you speaking up about how you feel and what you would or wouldn’t do because of this, that, or the other thing. That’s fine, as long as it is intelligent I say go on your TV shows, speak about it to one another at your roadside alligator farms, call up that fat guy on the radio with the pain killer addiction, and whisper it into the sheep’s ear at the edge of a cliff. Go ahead tell me your god hates me and I’m going to burn in hell. I believe in god as much as I believe in a majority telling a minority what their morals should be. A McCain/Palin White House would do just that.
I am not at peace with a McCain/Palin presidency. It won’t just be an old man with antique ideas and his mudslinging marionette, we as the voting populace need to realize that our vote only counts for the President/Vice President and not their cabinets and advisors. Bush was bad enough and then you factor in Rumsfeld, Rice, and Ashcroft? How we’re not all part of somegiant chain gang is beyond me.
Who will either candidate choose as to fill the important cabinet positions of energy, health and human services, treasury, and housing and urban development? These are the people who are going to be extremely busy with the economic crisis at hand.To say I will not be voting for McCain/Palin is redundant. I couldn’t possibly betray myself, my friends, my wife, a big boned cat named Marvin and everyone in this country who truly tries to help another in some way. Perhaps it would have been easier to be Punk Rock about it and to have just printed up a few bumper stickers that said “Republican Punks Fuck Off,” which may very well be what this says if you were to condensed this what ever you want to call it into a 4 word tweaked version of a Dead Kennedys song title, but obviously there has been a lot to say. So vote with confidence on that Tuesday in November because I think we’re going to win this one, but if in the slight possibility we don’t, give Joe Sixpack, err I mean Joe Blow a hug if you see him or if you can afford to buy him a bean taco. He’ll already be feeling pretty bad about things.
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